When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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