The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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