I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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