1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
