Will you blow on my dice?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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