Sponge bath it is.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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