got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize