And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize