Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
