Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
