turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
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