i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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