1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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