I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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