Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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