Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
