recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
