I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
