I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize