I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
