Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
