Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
