I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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