Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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