I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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