omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
