Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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