Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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