My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
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