It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
it glows. i had to have it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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