i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
