if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
