she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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