And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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