I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
