i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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