i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
