Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
