Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
