So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
