I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
