hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
