I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
