Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
