I am midnight drunk by noon
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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