Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
