I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My penis needs a shock collar
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Randomize
