Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
