can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
