If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
