Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
