the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
