even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
