Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
