I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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