i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
