i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
