last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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