i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize