DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
me + whiskey = a bad person
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
