I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I think I am morally bankrupt
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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