do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
