now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
